Monday, May 05, 2008

Oh Where?

Oh where, oh where has this blogger gone?
Oh where, oh where can she be?
With her posts cut short.
Wow, it's been so long!
Oh where, oh where can she be?

Well, I am still here. I am still reading. I am still commenting when it strikes me. I am still posting - just not anything of great substance and depth. Not that I am not having lots of deep and substantial thoughts. I am. Really. I am.

It's just that these days find me lacking in the ability to bring any of these oh, so deep thoughts together in a cohesive, comprehensible format.

And then there is the time issue. I have no excuses. No new baby. No house selling/shopping. No pregnancy. No majorly ill children. No great happenings at all. It is just the little things that add up to require more time than God has decided I should reasonably have in any given day. (I mean whose idea was the 24 hour day anyway?)

But now the house is quiet (that happens regularly - it's just that by then my brain is pretty quiet too). The children are asleep and so is Brian. (I think Brian was supposed to be pulling back the bed and somehow the bed won.)

Even now I am having trouble thinking of what to write. Maybe it is that feeling of "where do I begin?" "I must catch them up!"

My days are full to the brim. My four little children are busy and they need me. I have always known they need me in so many ways, but lately it has been evident in a different, more taxing way. They need me for many big things. They need me to teach and read. They need a listening ear for endless hours of chit chat about dolls and Legos. They need me to feed them and clean their muddy feet and sticky faces. They need me to clean their home. They need me to do puzzles with them and make flower fairies and color pictures. They need me to watch their latest feats on the monkey bars and to swing them for what seems forever. They need me to pray with them and pray for them. They need me to hug them and kiss their hurts. They need me to hold them while I cook and wash dishes and fold laundry. They need me to referee and discipline. They need me to make time for them to spend with friends. They need me.

And many a day I find all these needs quite at odds with what I think I need. I need more sleep. I need more quiet time. I need a cup of coffee in peace. I need time for sewing and crafts. I need hours to plan and think through lessons. I need time to do the shopping. I need to care for all the household chores. I need a day off. I need to talk with and be with my friends. I need time to blog. I need a moment to sit. I need to think.

And I do get these times. More than I probably realize. And many of these opportunities come from my dear husband's loving heart. It's just that the noisy neediness overpowers the memories of the quiet.

But in those quiet moments I am allowed, I can imagine the days coming all too soon when they will not need me quite so much. And while I cannot be sure without experiencing it, I think it may hurt.

The Lord must be working really hard in His efforts to refine me, to mold me.

If I am hearing him right, I believe He is calling me to focus. To not run away from the needs that daily bombard me. He wants me to have time for myself, yes. But I know I must seek out more joy in the needs of my children and our oh, so "daily" lives. It is in the trapping thought that this dailiness contains little of great significance that robs the moments of our day of the joy we can have. How can we find joy in sitting on the floor reading a story at the top of your lungs to a couple of listening ears while you hold a screaming toddler and try to fix the preschooler's malfunctioning toy when "the significant stuff" seems to be happening out there somewhere? We can't. When my thoughts are out there, I have nothing to give to those who are right here. I can muddle through the above scenario with my thoughts turned towards that fun outing of mine coming up in a couple of days or I can find joy as I smile and shake my head at the beautiful craziness surrounding me and keep reading.

Where is the joy? It is right here. I will keep moving. I will keep looking right here for the joy I so very much desire. Because I know it's here. I see it now. I have always seen it. I just want to see it more. I will keep responding to needs. And when I fall down, I will get back up. I do not want to miss the joy.

My joy is right here.

The kids and me at our Parish Festival yesterday!


Mom of boys said...

Celeste, you just said what I have been feeling the past 6 months or so (but you said it a lot more eloquently than I would have).

A great big ditto from me!

Megan said...

Thank you so much, Celeste! I too have been feeling like this lately! You write so well, and it is such a joy to read your blog!