Maybe it's the cloudy weather. Maybe it's the non-maternity clothes looking at me from my closet shelf. Maybe it's the boxes of baby clothes waiting to be washed. Maybe it's the new infant car seat installed just yesterday.
Whatever it is, today I feel ready. Ready to meet Baby. Ready to feel myself again. Ready. But, like I said before, Baby growing strong and healthy seems even more important.
Today I feel achy and uncomfortable. I have no energy. Each uncertain feeling makes me wonder and question. I am tired and lackluster. I really would rather hibernate. All this from a person who is normally energetic, busy, cheerful, motivated and accomplishing. Baby's arrival can seem at times so far away and yet so soon.
I guess the hardest thing is that I still want to be the mommy that my children are used to and need. But I am having trouble digging it up. As I sit here tired, weepy tears come into my eyes and I shield my face from little eyes in the other rooms. Then in trots a playful 20 month old with a pink balloon. He pats my arm and lets out a squeal. In wanders a 6 year old needing a little patient help with his phonics. I oblige. I hear an almost 4 year old princess "reading" to herself in the next room. Despite her mild cold, her voice is cheery as she tells the story. I love them all. They all love me and they need me. I guess today I must look to see the love I can give in the little ways and allow their hugs and smiles and heads on my shoulders to cheer and warm me.
Don't get me wrong. I have it pretty darn great - thanks to God. I suppose I am weepy and over-emotional, tired and impatient. All things I can change. How silly you must think I am, but still it helps to share. So now I will finish my coffee, blow my nose and put on a smile. Father, I put it all in your hands.
5 comments:
You aren't silly, Celeste. Every baby brings big changes - mostly good, of course. But you are experienced enough to know it isn't going to be the easiest of times for the next 6 months as everyone adjusts and as the new baby requires so much energy. Your tears are no different than those shed by generations of mothers as the baby outgrows the little clothes or as the baby takes the first step or as the "baby" learns to ride a bike or as the "baby" gets married. Time passes, life changes. It is right to mourn (a bit) the loss of what was, and to also rejoice (often with tears) at what will be.
Plus, you're tired and hormonal! Cry, honey, cry!
Oh, sweet Celeste, I DO NOT think you are silly. I think you are tired, anxious, excited, nervous, sore, and have been carrying another human being around for just a couple months shy of a year. If that wouldn't make someone cry, I don't know what would!
It seems to me that I get this exact way at the end of each pregnancy. Tired of being tired, but excited and ready to meet the little someon. Negative and positive. I just started an AMAZING book; Christ Centered Childbirth. The focus is not to deny discomfort, pain, or nervousness, rather to embrace them and ask Jesus to come right into it with you--to carry your cross with you and offer it up to Him-with Him, for Him, in Him.
You are loved and prayed for in this little section of Washington State! ;)
Oh, sweetie! I wish I were there to hug you right now! This post brought tears to eyes. I do remember well the feeling that came at the end of each of my own pregnancies...joyful anticipation mixed with a most frightening sensation of "What am I doing?!" For me, it was always a feeling of, "I can't possibly love another little person as much as I do these with which I've already been blessed"...and yet, my mom reminded me that our love is never divided, it is just multiplied to welcome each new little one. And she was right, every time. It's amazing how you can so completely fall instantly in love with someone you're just seeing for the very first time!
I also worried that when the baby came I wouldn't be able to show enough love to my other kids, but of course, I was wrong about that, too, each time! I was always just a little sad, though, to see how big the "baby" looked once I came home from the hospital with a newborn. They grow up so quickly! But it warmed my heart to see how gentle and loving they were with a tiny, helpless baby. I do believe that siblings are the best gifts we can give our children!
Celeste, I know how tired and uncomfortable you must be physically and emotionally right now. Don't feel bad about taking time to take care of yourself! Snuggle in bed with a pile of books and your sweet kiddos, take a fragrant bubble bath before bed if you're able (does wonders for both achy body AND soul!) and remember that in just a couple short weeks, you will be holding your precious baby in your arms and this will all be but a vague memory! You are doing a great job as a Mommy--don't doubt that for a second!
My continued prayers are with you--for a safe and uncomplicated delivery, for a successful breastfeeding relationship, and, right now, for peace in your heart!
Much love to you!
I wish I would have read this before calling you. I hope you are feeling a little more uplifted now, and know that good friends are always just a phone call/
e-mail away.
I know it has immensely helped me to reach out to talk things over with friends. Just an emotional outlet, and everyone (even mothers with small children who are ready to pop) needs one.
Thank you for always being such a wonderful friend and listening ear. You are truly a gift in my life.
You and your family are in my prayers daily, as we all wait for the newest member to arrive.
Celeste, I have had the same feelings each and every time we were about to welcome a new addition. I have felt as if I were some how cheating my children from having a fully functioning mom there from about 34 weeks on.
Yet just seeing the joy that the new sibling brings the others always reminds me of how they really see things. They don't remember anything about a less than active, grouchy mother for a few weeks. They remember another wonderful playmate who will be there for a lifetime.
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